Today we're talking
about feelings. Whether you know it or not, you probably have some misconstrued
ideas about feelings. The more I read the more I see that most people's view of
feelings are slightly jaded. We think that anger and fear are bad, that joy is
the only good feeling. Or, some people think that every feeling needs to be
explored and felt to its fullest. I don't really buy into that when it comes to
anger and fear. What I think is that somewhere in the middle is best by learning
what we're feeling, why we're feeling it, and appropriate ways to express
it.
I'll start with a
personal example. Last week some stuff happened to my husband and I that
affected me negatively. I didn't want to be angry about it, but the feeling was
lurking. Since the stuff happened to my husband
too, I started to get frustrated that he wasn't sharing the same emotions (or so
I thought). I felt bad that I was angry and as I tried unsuccessfully to
cover it up, I grew more angry and was finally able to identify (label) what I
was feeling. Sometimes putting a name to what you are feeling is hard. Super hard. Once I figured out that I was
angry, part of me wanted to give in and just have a full-on anger fest. Rant.
Rave. You get the idea. Thankfully, I didn't explore that path too much, but I
felt angry and needed some way to get rid of it.
So I talked to my
husband, opened up about how things had gone down. We have a great relationship
but I still feel vulnerable whenever I share what I'm truly feeling and it's
hard. As we talked, I realized he was feeling very similar emotions. I never
would have guessed. After we finished talking, the original incident hadn't
changed. The problem wasn't fixed, but I felt better. I was no longer as angry
and every day I feel a little better.
Looking back, I'm glad I had the anger. It helped me to see what my priorities are, what I really want. It was an important part of my learning and growth process. The important thing I learned was that I wasn't bad for feeling angry, but my choices would have been bad if I acted out in anger. There's a huge difference there. And even if someone acts out in anger, that doesn't make them bad, that's just a bad choice. Choices can be fixed.
Your assignment this
week is to identify a feeling or feelings you're having. Four main feelings are
anger, fear, sadness, or joy (unless your Disney and there's disgust too).
Once you've
identified an emotion, tell your spouse about it. Don't use it to blame, just
explain how you feel. Tell them you're not looking for anything other then for
them to listen. You don't need anything fixed or changed, you just want to
express an emotion. It might help to tell your spouse about this assignment.
Tell them you want to be more open and honest. Ask them to share their emotions
with you when they're ready. Give them space to share in their own time whether it is minutes, hours, days, or weeks later.
Try it out and see
what happens. Sometimes sharing emotions can bring up hard things. Sometimes
it's painful and might make things worse for a time, but if you can get to the
root of a problem, you can actually make progress instead of heaping on more
layers of superficial problems.
Good luck in your marriage this week. If you're reading this, that means you are trying and good things happen when we keep trying.
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