Marriage Therpay: Lesson 5

Today we're talking about feelings. Whether you know it or not, you probably have some misconstrued ideas about feelings. The more I read the more I see that most people's view of feelings are slightly jaded. We think that anger and fear are bad, that joy is the only good feeling. Or, some people think that every feeling needs to be explored and felt to its fullest. I don't really buy into that when it comes to anger and fear. What I think is that somewhere in the middle is best by learning what we're feeling, why we're feeling it, and appropriate ways to express it.

 

I'll start with a personal example. Last week some stuff happened to my husband and I that affected me negatively. I didn't want to be angry about it, but the feeling was lurking. Since the stuff happened to my husband too, I started to get frustrated that he wasn't sharing the same emotions (or so I thought). I felt bad that I was angry and as I tried unsuccessfully to cover it up, I grew more angry and was finally able to identify (label) what I was feeling. Sometimes putting a name to what you are feeling is hard. Super hard. Once I figured out that I was angry, part of me wanted to give in and just have a full-on anger fest. Rant. Rave. You get the idea. Thankfully, I didn't explore that path too much, but I felt angry and needed some way to get rid of it. 

 

So I talked to my husband, opened up about how things had gone down. We have a great relationship but I still feel vulnerable whenever I share what I'm truly feeling and it's hard. As we talked, I realized he was feeling very similar emotions. I never would have guessed. After we finished talking, the original incident hadn't changed. The problem wasn't fixed, but I felt better. I was no longer as angry and every day I feel a little better. 

Looking back, I'm glad I had the anger. It helped me to see what my priorities are, what I really want. It was an important part of my learning and growth process. The important thing I learned was that I wasn't bad for feeling angry, but my choices would have been bad if I acted out in anger. There's a huge difference there. And even if someone acts out in anger, that doesn't make them bad, that's just a bad choice. Choices can be fixed. 

 

Your assignment this week is to identify a feeling or feelings you're having. Four main feelings are anger, fear, sadness, or joy (unless your Disney and there's disgust too).

 

Once you've identified an emotion, tell your spouse about it. Don't use it to blame, just explain how you feel. Tell them you're not looking for anything other then for them to listen. You don't need anything fixed or changed, you just want to express an emotion. It might help to tell your spouse about this assignment. Tell them you want to be more open and honest. Ask them to share their emotions with you when they're ready. Give them space to share in their own time whether it is minutes, hours, days, or weeks later.

 

Try it out and see what happens. Sometimes sharing emotions can bring up hard things. Sometimes it's painful and might make things worse for a time, but if you can get to the root of a problem, you can actually make progress instead of heaping on more layers of superficial problems.  

Good luck in your marriage this week. If you're reading this, that means you are trying and good things happen when we keep trying. 

Marriage Therapy: Lesson 3

This week's post wasn't my idea. I asked my husband what he thought and here goes:

Let your spouse be right.

See that there wasn't lots of froofy talk before I got to the point? I figured that's how he'd put it.

But seriously, how often do you let your spouse be right (even if he/she isn't)? Sometimes we battle over opinions and when we do, we're pushing each other away. Maybe you're positive the freeway entrance in the blasted city you graced is to the right, but your spouse is sure it's to the left. Why don't you just go left? What does it hurt? Some time? Some pride? And if they're wrong, what happens if you rub it in? The better question is what happens if you don't?

I could tell you the science and cases behind this thought, but the best way for you to understand it is to try. The next time you're about to contradict your spouse, stop what you were going to say and change it to something like this: "You know what pumpkin, or sugar, or snickerdoodle, or computational device (hey, I don't know what's sweet to you!) -- you just might be right."

Go for it. And who knows, maybe you're both right. The truth is if you're fighting about it, you'll both be wrong. 

P.S. Don't choose a major decision for your first try. That could be bad, very bad. Do something simple. 

Spouse: "I think Mouse Trap's pizza sounds better than Meat Lover Supreme."

You: Swallow. "I think you may be right" (And I certainly won't rub it in your face if you're wrong) "Mouse Trap it is."

P.S. If you're wondering, I create all the graphics on the pictures...for better or worse. ;)

Marriage Therapy: Lesson 2

Are you excited for this week's post? I am! I've thought of this one for years.

This week's assignment requires you to use a little imagination and a trip back to the 70's (don't worry if you weren't alive then, I wasn't.)

You've heard of rose colored glasses right? They change how an image is displayed by altering the colors, making everything prettier. This week, I want you to put on a figurative pair of rose-colored glasses and we're going to only see the beauty around us. We're going to ignore dirty socks, comments and words that cut, cold shoulders--whatever it is you're dealing with.

We're going to notice if a meal was made, or hours worked, a hug or kiss, or a compliment. We're going to see the good around us in our spouse. It's there. Everyone has good. If you look for it, you'll find it.

Every time you see something that would normally bug you, put on those glasses. If you see that pair of socks lying there next to the hamper, put on those glasses and be grateful you've got someone to share this crazy life with. Even though some days it might not feel like it, it's better than being alone.

I hope this week you find more beauty. If you don't or things aren't improving as you try my excercises please start to consider professional counseling. Sometimes extra help is needed and it can take some time to warm up to the idea. Think about it and keep trying! Please, keep trying. Marriage is one of the most special, wonderful things on the earth and worth whatever the cost to fix. Marriages are fixable!

Marriage Therapy: Lesson 1

I’ve been lost for a while. Lost because I didn’t know what I was really doing to bless and benefit others. Yeah, yeah I’m a mom and I know that I can bless my kids lives every day, but there is something else that I need to give. That I want to give.

I’ve been working hard trying to develop any possible talent or interest that I have to see if one of those things is what I could give. But nothing has clicked. Nothing feels like it helps. Baking cookies and making meals doesn’t feel like it’s changing any worlds. So I’ve been down. For months. Maybe even years.

Tonight, something changed. I was doing some spiritual reading and something clicked, something was brought to my memory.

I used to give marriage tips and advice on my blog and I’ve had outpourings of people telling me that my words, my thoughts, helped to save their marriage. I wanted to write more, share more of the things I learned through my degree and my observations of others and practices in my own marriage. BUT, and here’s the big but...I let doubts creep in. I worried that no one would read my advice and I would waste time that could be better served making a casserole or something for someone else. (That thought was stupid seeing as I’d already had over a million page hits for my marriage article that went viral—obviously people are reading what I’m putting out).

So the doubts amplified in intensity to what stopped me from moving forward--what if I said something wrong and someone’s marriage fell apart because of one of my ideas. Ouch. That doubt has kept me from speaking out, it’s been holding me back. It’s made me bite my tongue more times than I want to admit.

But no more. I’m done. Yes, I’m not perfect. I may say something stupid or my advice might not work specifically for every single case. But I have something to give. I have ideas and thoughts that HAVE worked. That HAVE helped.

So, here’s to a fresh start. And here’s this weeks Marriage Therapy, Lesson 1:

This week’s assignment is to list 5 strengths and 5 talents of your spouse that you wouldn’t want to live without.

Easy.

Right?

If you don’t think it’s easy, then you and I need to have a little talk.

I think I have a gift of seeing the good in others because after talking to someone—anyone—for about 20 minutes, I could probably list off 5 strengths and 5 talents. With that said, this next part I’m going to say is going to hurt if you can’t easily come up with this list in your spouse. Ready? It’s going to sting. I warned you...

You’re an idiot.

Sorry, I had to do it. If you can’t see 5 strengths and 5 talents in your spouse then you’ve kept your eyes shut tight. You’ve been allowing yourself to ignore the amazingness (yes, I made that up) in another human being that you’ve pledged to spend your life with. That sucks for you and I’m sorry. It sucks for your spouse too. Thankfully, life is forgiving (even though it often doesn’t feel that way). In this next week, you can open your eyes and figure out 5 strengths and 5 talents your spouse has that makes your world go round (and you’ll see how big of an idiot you’ve been for not noticing earlier—again, I’m sorry).

So, do your assignment and then check back in with me next week. If you want, tell me what this assignment has done to help you and your spouse and your marriage. If you have a negative experience, I’m truly sorry. But, I’m pretty confident that if you have a negative experience, you’re doing something wrong.

I’ll be back next week with another idea and I hope and pray (I can’t tell you how much I’ve prayed for other people’s marriages) that this will help.

A Fun Experiment for your Spouse

I had a random idea yesterday. I went to a church meeting last night and I remembered a story I heard a few years ago about the man conducting the meeting. His wife has some sort of chronic illness and she can't do much at all for herself. He does a lot for her including her hair and her make-up EVERY DAY. He does a pretty good job at it to. :) When he talks about his wife you can tell how much he loves her! I so strongly believe that he loves her so much because he serves her.

I decided last night to serve my husband in some of the same ways this man serves his wife. I told my husband I was going to do something random the next day to show him I love him. I also told him to not expect the world because we have 3 kids AND  we are still catching up from having the stomach flu all week.

This morning I slapped some hand cuffs on my husband and told him he couldn't use his hands and I was going to get him ready for church (he went and I stayed home with the kids because we are probably still contagious and we absolutely don't want to share!).

For the next hour (it did take a while) I got him ready. I bathed him, dressed him, did his hair, brushed his teeth, shaved his face, put on his socks and shoes and brushed the lint off his suit.

It may seem like a weird or non-important thing to do but by the end his face was really beaming. We had to communicate about things we never have before as I asked him how to do his hair and if I was hurting him while shaving etc.

When he left for church he said he wanted to do that for me sometime and I can't wait.

If you want to do this, hint at it the night before. I think this really helped and had him wondering what on earth I would do to him the next day. Also, make sure you do it on a day when you have time as it did take a while. It also doesn't have to be getting him/her ready. You could feed them a meal or something else.

I hope you'll try this and that you have amazing results. Let me know how it goes! :)
~Dedra

Some Verbal Lovin for your Spouse

So for those of you who have been doing my 7 Ways in 7 Days to knock the socks off your spouse, how is it going?

I noticed my husband reacting differently after I started giving him more love and attention. For days I kept seeing him checking the garbage can and I finally asked him what on earth he was doing. He responded he wanted to help me out and every time he had checked the garbage I had already emptied it. He was excited one day to finally find it more than half full and he emptied it promptly.

Now that was just ONE of the amazing benefits we've experienced since following my own advice from this blog post. There have been MANY other benefits and I feel we have been drawing much closer!

Today, I have another idea about a super important aspect of marriage--communication.

If you're reading this you probably don't have a problem telling your spouse I love you. Today we're going to talk more about the ways and reasons why you love them and how you can more effectively tell them.

Below are 7 ideas on how to use your verbal language to help your spouse feel more loved.

Fill in the blank this week with some of these quotes to help your spouse feel more loved by you!

1."I love your _____! It is one of your best physical features." Tell your spouse one of the things you love about his/her physical body. 
I think my most favorite part of my husband's body is his wrinkles right next to his eyes when he smiles. They are so hot! He is one of those guys who is going to look hotter with age! :) Just telling him/her "you look nice," is well....nice. Being specific takes your compliment to a whole new level.
2. "I love how you are so _____. It is one of your best qualities." Tell your spouse one of the character traits you love about him/her.
3. "I love it when you do _____ to serve me. It makes me feel so loved." Tell your spouse how much you love one of the ways he/she serves you.
My hubby watches the kids a lot and yes he does it because he loves them but he also does it because he loves me.
4. "I love (doing, going, watching, playing, etc.) _____ with you."
Tell your spouse an activity you love doing with him/her.
 I love racing my husband to the car when we are out on dates. He always wins but I love the wind in my face with him at my side.
5. "I love _____ about your quirky side." Tell your spouse one of his/her quirks that you love.
I wrote this in my thankful journal the other night: "Richard always makes up songs. Some of them are sweet....they are all funny...and some are just plain queer! But I love them anyway! His songs always put a smile on my face." I read him my entry that night and I think he felt honored to be my reason to be thankful that night.
6. "I love to look at you best when ____." Tell your spouse when you like to gaze at him/her without him/her knowing. It is ok to stalk your spouse because it is not stalking but rather showering him/her with attention. If you don't do this yet--start!
7. "I love to cuddle with you most like this___." Tell your spouse how you love to cuddle with him/her and then show him/her!

Each week look for new things to fill in these blanks and keep your spouse feeling like he/she is on top of your world! Easy huh?!

7 Ways in 7 Days to Knock the Socks Off Your Spouse

I met my husband at the beginning of my sophomore year of college at Brigham Young University. We married right before finals at the end of the year—I was only 19! So young! :) My freshman year I always made fun of the girls in the MFHD program (Marriage, Family, Human Development) because I thought all they wanted to do was get married--and that didn't equate to my accounting/business oriented mind. Boy

was I shocked with myself when after we were married I decided to switch to the MFHD program! Fast forward several years and we were finally able to have children after a lot of heartache. Hopefully we're not done but I'm so grateful for the kids we have.

Going from years by ourselves and then throwing kids into the mix has been an interesting experience. I think that no matter what the situation, it can be hard to maintain a positive and thriving marriage. If you're not currently married, just tuck this article away--hopefully for future use! :)

From my schooling and experience I've learned that to keep marriage going strong sometimes you have to shake things up. Below is an idea to do just that.

The Weekly Marriage Shake Up

(To thoroughly knock the socks off your spouse!)

Sweet Treat Sunday

Massage Monday

Touch Tuesday

Woo Him/Her Wednesday

Thank Him/Her Thursday

Fun Activity Friday

Sweet Nothings Saturday

Sweet Treat Sunday

On Sunday, make or get a treat your spouse really likes. If he/she is on a diet, be mindful of this and find a way to make him/her something special. If he/she asks why just say you love him/her. Keep your list a secret! :)

Massage Monday

You can go about this a few ways. You can tell your spouse you're giving him/her a massage and ask where he/she would like to be massaged. You can  tell him/her a list of areas you're willing to massage (for those of you with stinky feet aversions :) ) or you can just do it. Be considerate of your spouses feelings and preferences--you want this to be a wonderful experience!

Touch Tuesday

If you're not in the habit of this, your spouse may ask you what the heck you're doing but whenever you talk to your spouse or walk by your spouse or sit next to your spouse, make sure part of you is intentionally touching him/her. Do this ALL Day. Don't be surprised if your spouse reciprocates.

Woo Him/Her Wednesday

Do whatever is romantic to your spouse. If you don't know--ask him/her!

Thank Him/Her Thursday

Pay attention to everything your spouse does today and thank him/her for everything--just be sincere. Some examples that I would use:

"Thank you for going to work today."

"Thank you for taking care of your dirty clothes this morning."

"Thank you for changing that diaper."

"Thank you for emptying the garbage."

"Thank you for being such a good dad to our girls."

Fun Activity Friday

Plan something for the 2 of you. You don't have to leave your house or you can. You don't have to get a babysitter. If you can get a babysitter--DO! If not, stay in and play a card game or go play a game of catch outside. Make a cake together (don't forget to "accidentally" smear some frosting on your spouse's face). Do something out of the ordinary. It could take 5 minutes or 3 hours. Just make a plan and do it.

Sweet Nothings Saturday

Tell your spouse "sweet nothings" all day. You can whisper them, text or email them, write them on pieces of paper and leave them around the house. Tell your spouse all the things you love about him/her--his/her personality, actions, looks, quality, etc.

Put these ideas into action for a week and not only will you feel more love for your spouse but he/she should definitely feel more loved and hopefully at some point will reciprocate.

I'd love to hear your results! 

(C) Copyright 2012 Dedra Tregaskis. All Rights Reserved.